He sat, paralyzed by thought. Paralyzed by betrayal, the betrayal of his own mind. He couldn’t control it anymore…couldn’t forget. The skies were dark, dark with maroons, and grays, and dim yellows. Swallows circled him, gliding over the grass in chase of tiny white moths. Like fighter jets they banked and yawed with precision. The evening was cool, summer closing its window on the Midwest. Soon the white will fly and the howl of winter will chill his bones, chill them more than the chill already consuming his soul.
His eyes glazed hers. She knew he had someone waiting for him. She didn’t care. She watched him walk toward her, his legs so perfectly treading down, his arms swinging in perfect unison. His perfect chin turned so slightly to the left he smiled and nodded someone just out of her eye sight..as he walked toward her, a million electric pulses went through her body, she felt her heart beating through her chest.. She watched, she fantasied, she thought ..What would it be like to pull him into her body. To look into his eyes, to as if in slow motion pull him by the face with her hand into her lips. Kiss him hard but slow and passionate lightly gliding her tongue against his lips and teeth in a arguably rough but sensual making him want more until he couldn’t imagine what was next. Rubbing his strong shoulders and taking his hand and sliding it down underneath her pink panties just gliding across her trembling wet lips… He can’t control and he grabs out to get inside but she holds his hand firm and pulls it away up to her mouth and places his fingers inside her mouth, closes it so slowly around his fingers and looks up into his eyes longingly “I want you” she whispers.. His eyes pierce her soul as he stares down, “I need u” he pushes her against the door thrusts her arms down to her side and holds her straight up like a rocket, kissing her neck, licking in a straight line up to her collar bone. No one has ever made her shake with such intense sexual pressure. He pulls her hair by the nape of her neck so gently but firm exposing the side of her neck, he strings his lips across it like he is sealing a ziplock… Pressing his body against hers, she can feel him… She wants him, he is the one she can’t have, the one with the Perfect life.. The one with someone waiting for him, but here he was, he was in her face, he was begging for her, his eyes told her he was a career player, career lover, she wasn’t the first and she wasn’t the last. Did she care? Was this the man she yearned for? After months of watching, subtle hints that went seemly un noticed, was this a dream??? Was this creature she lusted for real?
This wasn’t a dream, it was very much real. He was in her arms, but was this the beginning of beautiful dream? Or a dark nightmare…
I’m disgusted with the person I’ve become…. He controls my every thought, my very dream, my every movement. I sit in wait for just the slightest acknowledgment from him. I waste my life waiting. I hate waiting I’ve never waited (against my will) wtf of course I’m waiting, I’m always waiting! I sit and watch my kids laugh and play I smile from behind my sunglasses as if I’m engaged in what’s going on but I’m not. Neighbors come over we drink, we laugh, we cook, we talk and the whole time I’m a stranger in my own skin. My laugh is fake, my smile is fake, my interest is fake….. I want to scream out, “I DONT CARE!!” But the same coward who sits and waits, also sits in silence…. Coward yes that’s the truth. afraid to be happy, afraid to fail, Afraid to be honest, afraid to be myself, afraid of everything. This makes my distain for myself grow. I hate this person I’ve become. But I must be doing a good job hiding me real me because everyone thinks I’m “so cool and put together!!!”, “u have everything!” I can’t help but laugh! What is it they think I have? A piece of crap life? Pieces of a broken heart that DOENST feel anymore? Debt from a school that I hated more then anything? A marriage one text away from the steps of my lawyers office? A family so ruined by greed, pride and booze that we don’t even stay sober long enough to attend a child’s birthday because we are all better then each other? A life so full of lies and betrayals I have to look at pictures to remember what really happened or to remember the smiles on my friends and families faces that I can’t see in my mind because I was drunk at every single moment? The job that lead to my biggest mistake? The lonely person waiting for him to show 3seconds of interest? This is the person they think “has it all?” Lol if they only knew………..
There he was. His sassy smile curving up his lips from the side as he stood with his legs straight and thrusting his pelvis forward in a “I don’t care” type stance focused on the computer he was typing orders into. He knew she was walking up the unit towards him, he liked it. That’s where the sassy smile came from. She was drinking in his whole being, his crisp white coat, his wrinkled surgical scrubs poking out, his simple $30 black t-shirt tucked into the scrubs, his glasses slipping down his nose. She smirked to herself she knew why he was so disheveled today, it was because they had been up all night together. She smiled as she walked up butterflies tingling her stomach and her legs “Hi Dr Marks, How are u today?” She took position at the computer next to him and pretended to look up a patient. He glanced with a side slant of the eyes, looking down at her slender body wrapped in the tight scrubs she had unknown to him specially picked out to drive him crazy, “I’m tired, someone kept me up all night and I was on call” he continued to smirk as he typed on the computer. Patients walking by, other Doctors and nurses passing them in the hallway not even paying attention to the conversation between them. She smiled and reached for the phone on the wall as she picked it up she reached over his arm brushing it ever so lightly with her breast, “sounds like a lucky girl Dr Marks, to keep u up all night” his back stiffened as her breast brushed his arm. “She is” he answered, so arrogant so confident. She laughed in a condescending tone meet his eyes with hers and turned away.
She smilied in the mirror. Make up flawless to the last eyelash. Hair freshly colored cut and straightened by her favorite stylist. Clothes littered the master bathroom floor she just couldn’t chose the right fresh no effort look to show him she wasn’t trying to hard but just threw something together….. The butter files had been non stop in her stomach. 3 hrs of perfecting the “oh I just got home” look. She had become obsessive since he left on his vacation to see his family out of town. She couldn’t go of course because they had kept their affair quiet at work since she was the nurse and him the chief resident, with that title came much respect and expectations. It had been a hot sensual everyday affair that would start at 6am with amazing tantalizing morning sex, to toast and coffee snuggled up together his arm draped lazily across her perfect tan flat stomach. Then off they went, him to round at the hospital and her to her Brownstone nestled deep in the hectic expensive perfect location of the busy downtown city they shared. She would drive to her place, run in shower, apply her perfect makeup to her perfect face and make sure no hair out of place on her beautiful salon cared for hair before she would pick out the perfect tight low rise scrub bottoms and a equally tight v-neck baby tee shirt. A spray of bronzer across her chest with a touch of shimmer and a double mirror check and she was on her way. Pulling out of her garage of her 400k Brownstone, Zipping down the side streets in her pearl white sports car, sunroof open, music blaring, could this be happiness? They had only been apart less then 45 mins, but here came the text message from him, “hey gorgeous I got your coffee, it’s at your station 😉 headed to round now bye sexy” she smiled as she sped down the express way to the hospital. And this was the morning routine, day after day, morning after morning, it was just the way it was. Days became months, months became a year….. Seasons changed but the routine stayed the same….. Fast forward 2 yrs… Remember she’s preparing for his return after a 2 wk vacation home. This was the longest time they had ever been apart. Both of their birthdays had passed and it was the day after Christmas, she had his Birthday present wrapped meticulously and Christmas present sitting on her quartz breakfast nook, awaiting his return…. Perched in one of the bar stools blackberry in hand minutes turned into a hour… His ringtone cut through the silence “u home? Can I stop by?” There was a coldness and curbed emotion to his message. Confused by the feeling of nausea in her gut, Leila ignored it, no no he’s just tired everything’s ok…. She started typing her cleaver response “hey u! Can’t wait to see u, should I head over or? Or u want to come here?” She smiled and added “I can’t wait to feel u inside me I missed u so much” wink’ silence..there was another message from him “I am just stopping by for a minute” Ok something was not right she couldn’t even comprehend what was coming, she answered “this isn’t a good visit is it?” Her heart was beating out of her chest, sweat beads gathered on the small of her back, dizzy she ran to the back window and looked down, there was his shiny black 2 seater sitting in front of her garage. She opened the garage with the remote she kept upstairs and saw his tall muscular stylish body climb out of the driver side and proceed into the garage. Now she knows something is deathly wrong, he would never leave his precious car outside. Sweat is now beading upon her perfectly tanned and makeup brushed forehead. She walks to the top of the stair case that lead from the garage and looked over the railing. There he was, so handsome, so perfect, so strong, so classy, so sexy her everything everyday for 2 years, she nervously said “hey! U want to take off your shoes baby?” He stopped on the 3rd step and looked up at her “I’m not staying” and started waking up to meet her at the top of the stairs. Coat still on, shoes still on he towered over her, her small frame quivered in nervous energy he looked deep into her eyes and said “sit down” she turned and in a cloud of whiteness that took over her eyesight grasped the side of the kitchen counter and pulled herself up on to the bar stool. “What’s going on your scaring me” she whispered. He sat down facing the kitchen away from her, looking down at his shoes that he had left on, “I met someone”…..
Their 24/7 daily companionship flashed in front of her eyes she gasped and chocked at the same time on the flem in her throat from the tears that were flowing silently from her eyes, she grabbed the side of the counter feeling like she was going to fall, “wwwhaaaat…. What are u talking about” she sobbed silently while using every ounce of strength she had to hold her self up her mind said no no no no no this isn’t happening, he’s joking, he wouldn’t do this to me her mind was racing unable to comprehend what was happening. “It’s over Leila, we decided to be together and she knows I am here to tell u, she’s telling her fiancé right now also, it’s over, I am going to be with her and that’s it” she fell to the floor sobbing the knife he cut her throat with was there in his words, cold, unapologetic ….. He stood up and walked down the stairs. There she laid in her perfect clothes, perfect hair, perfect body, perfect house, perfect life as she knew it, there she laid unable to move, the tears soaking the carpet as she took a gut retching sob in for air she couldn’t believe, she heard the door slam and he was gone….
The phone drifted out of my hand as if it was a feather floating downward in the wind. It fell as if in slow motion down the side of my leg and slammed on to the floor with an eerie crack that would have usually Made me jump and cruse the day. Not today. I steadied myself against the wall my legs suddenly feeling like they were made if jello, my chest felt big, not crushing like a elephant as you might expect, no it felt as if it was being stretched by a ballon as far as it could until reaching the moment of explosion. I grabbed my chest and forehead as if to make it stop pounding. Then the pain like a knife cut into my stomach, it was a sickening pain I had never felt before. The tears came as if summoned by the pain started poring down my face…. It felt like eternity, I began to slide down the wall into a puddle of mess on the floor the pain convulsing my body as if I was possessed. Then that piercing sound of his ringtone cut through the sobs and for a second I felt a rush of relief until I saw the message, “do not call my husband ever again”